


Reading the Room

by EldritchSandwich



Series: DC United [7]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Banter, Dialogue Heavy, Fluffy Sandwich, Gen, Short One Shot, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:55:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23901937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EldritchSandwich/pseuds/EldritchSandwich
Summary: Selina Kyle crashes a party. Bruce Wayne doesn't mind so much.
Relationships: Clark Kent & Bruce Wayne, Lex Luthor & Bruce Wayne, Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne
Series: DC United [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1964518
Comments: 13
Kudos: 73





	Reading the Room

There was nothing Bruce hated quite like a party he wasn't throwing.

Granted, he didn't particularly care for the parties he threw either, but they had several significant advantages: namely, that he got to pick the guest list, including on occasion people he actually liked, and that he had final say on when they were over. Not only did the party he was currently attending lack those advantages, it had the added disadvantage of taking him away from Gotham for the benefit of someone he actively despised.

In other words, Bruce Wayne was not in the mood.

"Selina."

The svelte woman in the slinky little black dress turned from her appraisal of their host's ostentatious art collection and smiled smugly. "Bruce. What a surprise seeing you here."

"I'm sure." He snagged a champagne flute from a passing waiter and offered it to her, mostly to keep her from looping her hand through his arm. "I wasn't aware you knew the Luthors."

Selina waved her champagne dismissively, since her other hand was already looped through his arm. "Oh, of course, Lena and I go way back. We went to boarding school together, or something."

"Mm."

"This is quite a place," Selina said before taking a sip of champagne. "I especially like these big, bold two-story windows that those Jacobson vibration sensors can't possibly cover properly..." As usual, Bruce didn't take the bait. "Do you think Lex has security guards, or does he just have those adorable little drones of his patrol the place at night? Oh well, I suppose there's only one way to find out..."

Bruce scowled. Before he could do more than that, a voice behind him reinforced that scowling had been the proper instinct. "Bruce Wayne. Don't tell me you came all the way from Gotham just to poach my guests."

Bruce schooled his features—and emptied his champagne glass for good measure—before turning around. "Lex." He offered his hand, pretending he didn't notice how he squeezed it; Lex Luthor's handshake, like his smile, was always a little too tight, never quite as good at concealing his superiority and contempt as he thought he was. "Quite the contrary, Ms. Kyle and I are old friends."

"We haven't actually met," Selina said as she laid her fingers across Luthor's. "Selina Kyle. Art and antiquities," she added, conveniently omitting what it was she did with them.

Lex took her hand gently, his eyes obvious in their appraisal. "Enchanted, Ms. Kyle. But if we haven't met, then..."

Selina shot him a guilty smile that had Bruce struggling not to roll his eyes. "Oh, you caught me." She leaned in, as if it were a secret to be shared only between her, Lex, and her plunging neckline. "I might have finessed my way into an invitation so I could scope out your collection. You have so many excellent pieces here." With a gesture of her champagne flute she turned his attention to a display fitted into a curved recess in the wall. "This lion bust, for example. 12th century Persian, if I'm not mistaken. It's an incredible reproduction."

Lex deployed a diplomatic smile, almost able to keep it from twitching. "Actually, Ms. Kyle, I think you'll find that this, like every piece in my collection, is an original."

"Oh, really?" Selina purred, a silent eyebrow arched in Bruce's direction. "Imagine that."

"I'll let Lex give you the tour," Bruce said flatly. "Selina, find me before you leave and we can talk about how much this is going to cost."

"Of course, Mr. Wayne. Always a pleasure."

As Selina wrapped herself around Luthor's arm and let him proudly identify all the most expensive pieces in his collection, Bruce pulled out his phone. Well, not his phone. His other phone.

There was only time for half a ring before the person on the other side picked up, which shouldn't even have been enough time for it to actually ring on that end. He probably heard it halfway across the city and decided to show off.

"Superman speaking."

Bruce managed not to roll his eyes. "You don't have to say that, I know who I'm calling."

He chuckled. "Yeah, well, do you know how many times I've called you and one of the Robins has answered? What do you need, is it an emergency?"

"More of a question. What's your policy on people stealing from Lex Luthor?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "Are you planning to—"

"If I was, do you really think I'd be telling you? This is about...a third party."

There was another pause. "Luthor's technology is dangerous in anyone's hands. If I know—"

"Not technology," Bruce interrupted. "Art."

"Art."

"From his penthouse."

"Huh."

"I can stop it from happening."

"Hm. But...you can also not?"

"I just want to be sure where the line is."

"Because...you think it would be funny."

Bruce pursed his lips. "I can stop it from happening."

"Hm."

"I can hear you judging me."

"I'm not judging you."

"I didn't have to call you at all."

Another pause. "It would be kinda funny."

"Mm."

"Am I wrong?"

"You could stop it too."

"I can hear you judging me."

"I'm not judging you."

"Come on, you're judging everyone. All the time."

Bruce was momentarily thankful Clark couldn't see his scowl. Or maybe be could...Bruce wouldn't put it past him. "Look, you have the information. Do what you want with it."

"Okay. Love you!"

Bruce rolled his eyes as he hung up.

* * *

The party broke up around midnight. Three hours later, Batman was perched on the roof of the high rise across the street like a gargoyle, waiting. Not that Metropolis had gargoyles, but still. He didn't flinch when he heard the faint rustling of a cape in the breeze from behind him; for someone so big and garishly dressed, it was amazing how stealthy Superman could be when he wanted to.

Mostly when he knew it would be annoying.

"Did we start yet?" Batman said nothing, since Superman was undoubtedly already using his x-ray vision. "Oh, there we go! Glad I didn't miss it." Superman floated down to sit on the lip of the building, ankles crossed daintily and swinging in the night air. He focused on the penthouse, squinting a little. "Huh. So that's your, uh...Catwoman, right?" Batman said nothing. "If I'm being honest, that...seems like pretty much the kind of woman you'd go for, yeah."

Batman didn't put down his binoculars. They might not have been able to see through walls—at least not since the thermal and sonic modes were useless at this range—but as she'd pointed out at the party, Luthor's penthouse was almost entirely glass, meant to show off and be shown off. No wonder he and Lex had never gotten along. "I'm really trying to decide whether that's supposed to be an insult."

"Oh come on. Head to toe animal-themed black leather? I'm just saying."

"It's not leather."

"Oh, look, she's going for that big ugly picture of him. There's no way she can sell that. Is she just doing it to annoy him? Sorry, you were saying?"

"Everyone says leather. Leather's not flexible enough. Mine's a carbon fiber weave, I don't know what hers is."

"You don't say."

They watched Catwoman work, bypassing security systems and carefully loading various pieces of statuary into a duffel bag, for about a minute before Superman broke the silence.

"This is nice! Just two bros, hangin' out, watching someone commit a felony..."

"Yeah. Great."

"I just realized though...if this is a stakeout, we really need—"

"Don't say snac—"

"Snacks! I'll be right back."

Batman sighed as Superman disappeared with a rush of wind, then again about thirty seconds later when another one heralded his return. "Churro?"

Batman put down his binoculars and squinted at the pastry suspiciously. "Where..."

"There's an all-night food truck near the university. Good business model if you think about it," he said as he sank his teeth into his own churro. "Between the stoners and the kids pulling all-nighters, he probably makes a fortune."

"Good for him."

"Speaking of making a fortune." Batman picked his binoculars back up to follow Superman's gaze; his other hand was still awkwardly holding the churro. "You're really going to let her keep all that stuff?"

Batman frowned. "Technically I doubt she's planning to keep it..."

Superman waved his hand dismissively. "Fence it, whatever."

"You're worried about setting a precedent?"

"It just doesn't seem like you."

Batman sighed, then pointed with his churro. "You see that jade idol she's taking? It 'mysteriously disappeared' from a temple that's been declared a World Heritage Site, right around the same time a bunch of western mercenaries started inviting themselves to get involved in the country's civil war."

Superman frowned. "Hm. I'm sure Lex had no idea when he bought it."

"I'm sure. I'm also sure that within the next few weeks it'll mysteriously reappear in that temple just like it'd never been gone."

"Hm." Superman crossed his arms and floated off the edge of the roof, legs still swinging casually. "Your villains are complicated."

Batman huffed as he took a bite of his churro. "Tell me about it."

* * *

"Bruce!" This time it was Selina who got to be surprised, even if she'd never give him the satisfaction of showing it. Just one more thing they had in common. She turned to face him fully as he closed the distance across the crowded airport terminal, grinning wide enough to show a flash of her canines. "Come to run me out of town?"

"Just a coincidence," Bruce said. "I'm on my way back to Gotham just like you." While the latter statement was true, the former might have been a bit of an exaggeration.

"On the private jet, no doubt," Selina purred. "You poor thing, you. And you haven't even offered me a ride home."

Bruce smirked. "Looks to me like you've already checked your bags. And I'm imagining you're going to want to keep a close eye on them."

"Oh Bruce." Selina laid a hand on his chest with another flash of teeth. "You know me so well..." Her fingertips traced up to play with the lapel of his jacket. "You left the party without saying goodbye last night. I thought we were going to talk art."

"I'm sure you managed to keep busy."

"Not going to tell me what you were doing? Not even a hint?"

The corner of Bruce's mouth twitched. It was, from a certain perspective, almost a smile. "I had a boys' night out."

Selina rolled her eyes, then pushed up off her heels to kiss him on the cheek. "You're lucky I like when you pretend to be mysterious."


End file.
